I always think of things, all kinds of things, as I’m lying in bed just before I fall asleep.
Our nighttime routine consists of watching TV for a little while, typically a recorded episode of “The Dead Files”, while we both play Solitaire 2048.
I shouldn’t have introduced Solitaire 2048 to the hubs. He’ll be sitting up next to me in bed, and I’ll hear “damn it…”. That’s because he doesn’t have a place to put the 64 card.
I made it to Level 101, he’s made it to level 50 or so. While we were gone up north for deer hunting, however, my game went back to Level 1. Ugh…all that hard work!
Back to our nightly routine.
The TV gets turned off, our glasses are taken off our faces, we put on our CPAP masks, and pretend to be Darth Vader while we say “good night”, “love you”.
(It’s funnier if you have a CPAP machine and understand this…)
I start my nightly prayers, thanking God for the day and everyone in it, celebrating the small things I got done, thanking Him for the hubs and his hard work to support us, and praying for those that need prayers.
Then my mind starts churning.
I think of things, and then by morning, I have forgotten what I thought about.
I’ve started to now put my glasses on over my CPAP mask, getting my phone off the charger, and making notes.
Hopefully, when I’m done making notes, I remember to take my glasses back off!
Last nights main thought was –
How are apps accessed when I die?
I’m sure you have, as I do, certain apps that are opened by your thumbprint on your phone.
Number one being the phone itself. My thumbprint opens up the main screen on my phone.
Others are the credit union, Credit Karma, insurance sites, U.S. Cellular, and several other apps.
There is a lot of information on my phone, that when I’m dead, how is the hubs going to access that?
So I texted him this morning.
I was thinking last night. There are so many things on my phone that you’ll need when I’m gone, and they are opened by my thumbprint. You’ll have to have Kathy* cut off my thumb so you can keep it to open my phone when I’m dead!
(*Kathy is my favorite undertaker at McMahon’s Funeral Home in Luxemburg, and one of my bestest friends)
Aging and Death
Some say, “Oh, I don’t want to turn 40 (or 50, or 60)”. Some are actually anxious about getting older, and express their anxiety to others.
I know of two people that turned fifty, and just mentally “lost it”. I’m sure there are many more than I know of.
I looked forward to turning forty. I felt that women are regarded with greater respect when they are over forty.
Now that I am 48, not only am I grateful that I am still alive, but I am looking forward to turning fifty!
I handled the building of a commercial building when I was 28 years old. I handled the building of a second commercial building when I was 31 years old.
I starting running my own business as a subsidiary of the law office when I was 25 until I was 31. Then my business split off from the law office at that time, and I sold the business when I was 34.
While I did have respect during that time, I knew that women over the age of forty received a better grade of respect than a woman in her thirties.
Caveat: I think those times have changed somewhat, as I watch Little One succeed in her business at the young age of 21 years old. She is afforded a great deal of respect by her clients, and those in her business.
Do you feel that you are respected differently as you age?
A friend messaged me about her cousin who is dying of right lung cancer and adrenal cancer, and her husband’s aunt that is dying of lung cancer as well.
Death should not come with fear, or longing for the material world we live in; death should be looked forward to, with joy and anticipation.
Then I thought to myself, “shiitake mushrooms, I must sound insane!”
I’ve already said many times that I am not afraid to die.
I love the song “I Can Only Imagine“. I first heard the song when I was asked to sing it for a funeral several years ago.
These things are what make me look forward to death, and not fear the final sleep.
I went through some old papers that have been stored away in a tote from when I moved into our home in 2012.
Boy was it time I went through those papers!
Estate planning documents for my uncle who has been dead for at least ten years; income tax returns for my brother that I had prepared eighteen years ago; the sale of my business from 2005.
The loan documents from when I refinanced my home in Champion in 2005. My monthly mortgage payment at that time was $1,386.34. Holy crap!
That was also the year my business brought in a gross of $578,000 and my net worth was $590,000. I was also $1.5 million in debt. At the age of 34.
I wouldn’t even think of being able to pay that amount these days.
While it is fun to look back at old papers like that, it reminds me that that was about three lifetimes ago, and a great many things have changed since that time.
Financially, I’ve gone from being a high as the heavens, to as low as the lowest rock bottom.
Having been at the very lowest rock bottom, it makes me even more grateful and appreciative for everything that we have now.
Having money like that brings with it greater responsibilities, and greater stress.
Money isn’t everything. Money doesn’t necessarily make you happy.
We don’t have much, but we have enough. And we have each other.
I’ve never been one to set goals.
Goals like, I want to visit all fifty states of these great United States by the time I’m sixty.
Or, I’m going to lose fifty pounds within the next year.
Or, I’m going to have a million dollars in my retirement account by the time I turn 65.
(Jokes on you, I don’t even have a retirement account…)
Since my diagnosis though, I have one major goal.
I want to have twenty-five years of marriage to the hubs.
We have five down, and twenty to go.
I think this is the best goal I could have!
I am curious though, what are some of your goals?
Sending love and hugs ~Erika~